MAFS Recap: Vanessa’s cheating scandal hoax ruins girls’ night

It might not surprise you to learn that sales of ‘life simulation’ video games are on the rise amid the global coronavirus lockdown.

Even lowly Married At First Sight – the buggiest, least accurate life sim of them all – got the rub in Sunday’s boys’ and girls’ nights episode.

Because nothing says ‘ignorance is bliss’ like watching a bunch of deadbeats clawing each other’s eyes out over a laxative tea sponsorship.

The Corona spike: Married At First Sight got a ratings spike for Sunday's girls / boys night - because nothing says 'ignorance is bliss' like watching a bunch of deadbeats clawing each other's eyes out over a laxative tea sponsorship

The Corona spike: Married At First Sight got a ratings spike for Sunday’s girls / boys night – because nothing says ‘ignorance is bliss’ like watching a bunch of deadbeats clawing each other’s eyes out over a laxative tea sponsorship

Full disclosure, I’ve been off all week and I obviously don’t watch this rubbish unless I have to, so Sunday was the first episode I’ve seen since the last recap.

Luckily, the cast spent last night flogging a horse that died a month ago, so it was like I’d never even left.

Just Living My Truth 

Sunday’s episode opened with the fallout from a commitment ceremony that seemed to go just like all the others.

Still Crazy! Sunday's episode opened with the fallout from a commitment ceremony that seemed to go just like all the others: Connie was still holding Jonnie captive...

Still Crazy! Sunday’s episode opened with the fallout from a commitment ceremony that seemed to go just like all the others: Connie was still holding Jonnie captive…

Crazy Connie was still doing crazy s**t.

‘This is the third week in a row that Jonnie has voted to leave and I’ve voted to stay!’ she proudly announced.

‘I knew it was going to be humiliating but I still did it. In fact, you can put that quote on my tombstone, because that’s me in a nutshell!’

... Mishel was still trying to get to third base with Steve: He finally 'slept' with her on Sunday - but Mishel should have checked the T&Cs, because he was out like a light. 'I said sleep, not sex!'

… Mishel was still trying to get to third base with Steve: He finally ‘slept’ with her on Sunday – but Mishel should have checked the T&Cs, because he was out like a light. ‘I said sleep, not sex!’

Mishel was still trying to fall on Steve’s sword.

Mishel: ‘When I wrote “stay” last night, what did that convey to you?’

Steve: ‘That everything sounds like a “yes” when you haven’t had sex since the Sydney Olympics?’

Mishel: ‘Say no more…’

Steve: ‘Oh bloody hell, put some clothes on – I just cleaned that table!’

Legally Conned 

Girls night done right! 'This year, for one night only, we're bring back all the nutters who got kicked off earlier in the season for legal reasons!' John Aiken announced at the start of girls' night

Girls night done right! ‘This year, for one night only, we’re bring back all the nutters who got kicked off earlier in the season for legal reasons!’ John Aiken announced at the start of girls’ night

Dead Horse Flogging Week continued at the girls’ night.

‘This year, for one night only, we’re bringing back all the nutters who got kicked off earlier in the season for legal reasons!’ John Aiken declared. 

Cut to the return of Vanessa.

Remember me? No? Cut to the return of Vanessa. 'Last time I didn't get any air time, so tonight, I've told the girls I'm bringing a video of Michael banging Hayley!' she announced

Remember me? No? Cut to the return of Vanessa. ‘Last time I didn’t get any air time, so tonight, I’ve told the girls I’m bringing a video of Michael banging Hayley!’ she announced

Vanessa: ‘Last time I was too “real” to get any airtime – but despite what my plastic surgeon says, Vanessa never makes the same mistake twice!

‘So I told all the girls I’m bringing video of Hayley banging Michael… even though I don’t have any footage because nobody tells me anything!’

Vanessa’s agent (off camera): ‘AND WHAT ELSE, VANESSA!?’

‘Oh and I’m also available for bucks nights, baptisms, funerals – anything that pays really. Contact Max Markson for details!’

The Twitter jury: The keyboard warriors quickly connected a dot that Vanessa's castmates couldn't: There's no video! Why would anybody send a video to Vanessa? Nobody likes her

The Twitter jury: The keyboard warriors quickly connected a dot that Vanessa’s castmates couldn’t: There’s no video! Why would anybody send a video to Vanessa? Nobody likes her

Naturally Vanessa’s claims left Michael’s faithful wife Stacey in a strop. 

Stacey: ‘Bloody hell! I’m using Max Markson too!’  

Producer: ‘AND WHAT ELSE, STACEY!?’

Stacey: ‘Oh, and I’m also very worried about the fact Vanessa has video of my husband cheating on me or some s**t?’  

'What do you mean you don't have a video!?' 'F**k sake Vanessa, you're on the show? I thought you were from catering!' added Mishel, 'why is it so hard to get a Big Mac around here!?'

‘What do you mean you don’t have a video!?’ ‘F**k sake Vanessa, you’re on the show? I thought you were from catering!’ added Mishel, ‘why is it so hard to get a Big Mac around here!?’

Vanessa: ‘And I’ll show everyone the incriminating footage – right after the break!’

Three minutes and 30 seconds later and the truth was out.

‘What do you mean you don’t have a video!?’ screamed Hayley, who was counting on the footage to prove she was telling the truth about her night with Michael.

‘For f**k’s sake, Vanessa, you’re on the show? I thought you were from catering!’ added Mishel. ‘Why is it so hard to get a Big Mac around here?’  

‘I’m such an idiot!’ Hayley conceded. ‘Why would anybody send Vanessa a video. Nobody even knows who she is.’ 

Woops! 'I'm such an idiot!' Hayley conceded. 'Why would anybody send Vanessa a video. Nobody even knows who she is'

Woops! ‘I’m such an idiot!’ Hayley conceded. ‘Why would anybody send Vanessa a video. Nobody even knows who she is’

‘They do now!’ Vanessa replied. ‘I’ve had more airtime tonight than I did all season.’   

‘Take that haters’ screamed Max Markson’s Twitter account. ‘Old Max still has it!’

Who's her agent? 'They do now!' Vanessa replied. Stacey is pictured here taking a mental note to 'contact Vanessa's agent' as soon as filming is over

Who’s her agent? ‘They do now!’ Vanessa replied. Stacey is pictured here taking a mental note to ‘contact Vanessa’s agent’ as soon as filming is over


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