MAFS Recap: Alex Michael recaps episode 30 – Boys and Girls night 2

Shout out to Married At First Sight for proving that there IS a worse way to spend two hours of self-isolation than Skype calling my grandparents.

It’s called ‘another two hours of the most boring girls’ / boys’ nights of all time, followed by 30 minutes of Jonnie and Connie’.

On Monday night, Channel Nine managed to deliver the least exciting sequel since we found out Avatar was coming back for 45 more movies and a Netflix special.

Whoops! Shout out to Married At First Sight for proving that there IS a worse way to spend two hours of self-isolation than Skype calling my grandparents

Whoops! Shout out to Married At First Sight for proving that there IS a worse way to spend two hours of self-isolation than Skype calling my grandparents

Yesterday, the relationship geniuses informed us that – in a series first – the boys’ and girls’ nights would see the return of all the nutters who got kicked off early.

Well, it turns out the experts have no idea what they’re doing because this decision didn’t provide insight and harmony… but instead only led to drama and conflict. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?!

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to get the feeling this televised nationwide marriage experiment is just in it for the ratings? What do you reckon?

Please kill me: On Monday night, Channel Nine managed to deliver the least exciting sequel since we found out Avatar was coming back for 45 more movies and a Netflix special

Please kill me: On Monday night, Channel Nine managed to deliver the least exciting sequel since we found out Avatar was coming back for 45 more movies and a Netflix special

Hopelessly Devoted To Youse

Is he here!? Is he here!? Over at boys' night, Michael was impatiently awaiting the arrival of Josh, who thought he'd escaped the experiment weeks ago, only to be dragged back for one night only.

Is he here!? Is he here!? Over at boys’ night, Michael was impatiently awaiting the arrival of Josh, who thought he’d escaped the experiment weeks ago, only to be dragged back for one night only.

Over at the boys’ night, Michael was impatiently awaiting the arrival of Josh, who thought he’d escaped the experiment weeks ago, only to be dragged back for one night only. 

‘Oy, youse missed it, youse missed it!’ he screamed the moment he walked in the door.

‘Jesus, let a bloke get a coupla VB longies in his fists before you hit him with breaking news!’ Josh replied.

Settle! 'Jesus, let a bloke get a coupla VB longies in his fists before you hit him with breaking news!' Josh was forced to reply, seconds after walking through the door

Settle! ‘Jesus, let a bloke get a coupla VB longies in his fists before you hit him with breaking news!’ Josh was forced to reply, seconds after walking through the door

After Josh had sufficiently lubricated his larynx, Michael started up again.

‘Youse missed iiiiiiit!’ he giggled.

‘Ivan and Aleks weren’t at the commitment ceremony. And guess what, he’s not here now!’

Did someone leave Michael unsupervised in the kitchen again? He’s clearly on the cordials.

Who's missing? 'Ivan and Aleks weren't at the commitment ceremony. And guess what, he's not here now! Michael chirped

Who’s missing? ‘Ivan and Aleks weren’t at the commitment ceremony. And guess what, he’s not here now! Michael chirped

Michael was left looking foolish when Ivan surfaced from behind the men’s room door.

‘Sorry boys, actually got here first but have just been having a massive disagreement with a day old kebab… The kebab won.’

‘Anyways, as I was just sayin,’ Michael continued. ‘Ivan and Aleks didn’t show up to the ceremony because she fell in love with a guy in the hotel lobby the day before!

‘He’s way more her type too: bum bag, tatts, neglectful father – the works!

Secret lover? 'Anyways, as I was just sayin,' Michael continued, 'Ivan and Aleks (pictured) didn't show up to the ceremony because she fell in love with a guy in the hotel lobby the day before!'

Secret lover? ‘Anyways, as I was just sayin,’ Michael continued, ‘Ivan and Aleks (pictured) didn’t show up to the ceremony because she fell in love with a guy in the hotel lobby the day before!’

‘Then she wakes up the next day and decides she’s no longer “romantically connected” to Ivan. That’s why they weren’t there.’

Ivan didn’t quite manage an audible word in his floundering meltdown of a response, but the gist of it was ‘NO SHE DIDN’T!’

Three Valiums and a warm hug later, and Ivan was finally back to his almost-normal self.

R U OK? Ivan didn't quite manage an audible word in his floundering meltdown of a response, but the gist of it was 'no she didn't!'

R U OK? Ivan didn’t quite manage an audible word in his floundering meltdown of a response, but the gist of it was ‘no she didn’t!’

‘There’s a way bigger scandal to come with Michael and Stacey,’  Ivan told producers, in a moment we’ll surely be seeing in trailers for weeks.

‘A lot of s**t happened behind closed doors in this experiment. Michael’s day will come.’

I feel better now! When Ivan was finally back to his almost-normal self, he issued a stern warning to Michael: 'A lot of s**t happened behind closed doors in this experiment. Michael's day will come'

I feel better now! When Ivan was finally back to his almost-normal self, he issued a stern warning to Michael: ‘A lot of s**t happened behind closed doors in this experiment. Michael’s day will come’

Merry Poppins

Clutching: At girls night, the women were STILL fighting about the same thing they were on Sunday night, when Hayley accused Stacey of 'finding her law degree in a cereal box'

Clutching: At girls night, the women were STILL fighting about the same thing they were on Sunday night, when Hayley accused Stacey of ‘finding her law degree in a cereal box’

At the girls’ night, the women were STILL fighting about the same thing as on Sunday night, when Hayley accused Stacey of ‘finding her law degree in a cereal box’.

Yesterday we proved that the only Froot Loop involved in Stacey’s law degree was Stacey herself.

Alas, the fighting continued.

Think of the children: 'Hayley, what gives you the authority to undermine me and my law degree? You even brought my beautiful, innocent children into it!' Stacey clapped back

Think of the children: ‘Hayley, what gives you the authority to undermine me and my law degree? You even brought my beautiful, innocent children into it!’ Stacey clapped back

‘Hayley, what gives you the authority to undermine me and my law degree? You even brought my beautiful, innocent children into it!’

‘I didn’t bring them into it! Hayley snapped back.

 ‘All I said was “how did you get a law degree when you have two kids at 25?” ‘

‘You’ve been poppin’ them out since you were 19 ya c**t!’ 

You've said enough! 'All I said was "how did you get a law degree when you have two kids at 25?" Hayley spat back. 'You've been poppin' them out since you were 19 ya c**t!'

You’ve said enough! ‘All I said was “how did you get a law degree when you have two kids at 25?” Hayley spat back. ‘You’ve been poppin’ them out since you were 19 ya c**t!’

‘Wow. I was expecting tonight to be more fun,’ lamented Josh’s ex-fake-wife, Cathy.

Me too Cathy, me too.  

Titanic Too?

Last drinks: The other half of the episode dealt with two couples' final dates: KC and Drew's boat date (pictured) and Connie and Jonnie (too boring to cover)

Last drinks: The other half of the episode dealt with two couples’ final dates: KC and Drew’s boat date (pictured) and Connie and Jonnie (too boring to cover)

The other half of the episode dealt with two couples’ final dates: KC and Drew and Connie and Jonnie.

I know you’re probably all bored out of your brains in self-isolation and looking for things to read – but I just can’t stoop low enough to cover Connie and Jonnie.

So the other half of the episode dealt with KC and Drew’s ‘final date’ before the last commitment ceremony.

‘I’m really starting to fall for Drew,’ KC told producers, ‘it was tough at the start, but it’s been smooth sailing ever since he lost the will to fight back!’

Falling for you: 'I'm really starting to fall for Drew,' KC told producers, 'it was tough at the start, but it's been smooth sailing ever since he lost the will to fight back!'

Falling for you: ‘I’m really starting to fall for Drew,’ KC told producers, ‘it was tough at the start, but it’s been smooth sailing ever since he lost the will to fight back!’

Drew brought another one of his inanimate object housemates along for the date – an inflatable swan that was only slightly more plastic than his wife.

But unlike Cornelius – the horny unicorn that lived on Drew’s couch (may he rest in peace) – KC took an instant liking to Swan Howard.  

Five minutes in and they were already mounting the poor bird. 

Swan Howard: Drew brought another one of his inanimate object housemates along for the date - an inflatable swan that was only slightly more plastic than his wife

Swan Howard: Drew brought another one of his inanimate object housemates along for the date – an inflatable swan that was only slightly more plastic than his wife

He's a softy: But unlike Cornelius - the horny unicorn that lived on Drew's couch (may he rest in peace) - KC took an instant liking to Swan Howard

He’s a softy: But unlike Cornelius – the horny unicorn that lived on Drew’s couch (may he rest in peace) – KC took an instant liking to Swan Howard

Needless to say, if you see a half-deflated bird floating around Sydney harbour, do NOT touch it, smell it, or investigate any of the fluids in and around it.  

The party spilled over onto the boat, where KC was forcing Drew to dance to early 00s pop songs.   

‘Dancing Drew is my favourite Drew!’ she whispered, pulling him forward to plant a kiss.

Poor bird: Five minutes into the date and they were already mounting the poor bird

Poor bird: Five minutes into the date and they were already mounting the poor bird

Full disclosure, I haven’t seen this much sappy boat romance since Titantic.

In that movie, we knew the lovers were going to sink, but we desperately wished that they wouldn’t. 

This date left me feeling the exact opposite.

The reverse Titanic. Full disclosure, I haven't seen this much sappy boat romance since Titantic - but in that movie, we knew they were going to sink but wished they wouldn't. This date left me feeling the exact opposite

The reverse Titanic. Full disclosure, I haven’t seen this much sappy boat romance since Titantic – but in that movie, we knew they were going to sink but wished they wouldn’t. This date left me feeling the exact opposite


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